There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.  
 
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.  
 
One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel.  Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"  
 
Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

 

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job in Hawksbury . He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't be such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, “Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That''s not enough”  
 
So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, “Look, you''re a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.”  
 
So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.  
 
So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says “Free chips and dip” A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, “This tastes like nuts.”  
 
And the salesman replied, “Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”  

 

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.
 
The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.  
 
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.  
 
The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.  
 
The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.  
 
The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.  
 
It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay

 

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
 
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.  
 
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."  
 
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
 
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
 
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.
 
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."  
 
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
 
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."  
 
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves;  
 
for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;  
 
for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren;  
 
and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
 
 
Life has now been explained to you

 

Norman and his wife live in Minneapolis. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
 
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
 
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
 
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out, and Norman's wife is very upset.
 
With a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
 
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

 

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if Ihave a few" he asks.  
 
"No, not at all" the woman replied.
 
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
 
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant of eat a few.
 
"Oh that's all right" the woman says.  
"Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

 

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.  
 
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
 
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
 
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

 

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money",
he demanded.  
 
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"
 
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

 

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"  
 
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200-pound black belt veteran of the Special Forces. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5", pushing 300 pounds and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"  
 
The blind guy thinks for a moment and replies, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

 

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."  
 
The waiter says, "Sure thing, coming right up."    
 
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking  the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out of the place!    
 
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun  in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee!"    
 
The waiter says, "Whoa, mister! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck is all this about, anyway?"    
 
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."  

 

 

He didn't like the casserole  
 
And he didn't like my cake.  
 
My biscuits were too hard...  
 
Not like his mother used to make.  
  
 
I didn't perk the coffee right  
 
He didn't like the stew,  
 
I didn't mend his socks  
 
The way his mother used to do.  
 
  
 
I pondered for an answer  
 
I was looking for a clue.  
 
Then I turned around and smacked him...  
 
LIKE HIS MOTHER USED TO DO!

 

Luigi and Salvatore are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Salvatore grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
 
Luigi whips out his cell phone and calls 911.  
He gasps to the operator, "I think Salvatore is dead. What should I do?"  
 
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,  
"Just take it easy and follow my instructions.  
First, let's make sure he's dead."  
 
There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.  
Luigi's voice comes back on the line,  
 
"Okay, now what?"  

 

 

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK.  
 
The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.  
 
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
 
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
 
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
 
About a week later the second daughter walked into the
room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out."
 
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
 
 
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened.
You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
 
 
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

 

 

"When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................  
So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!"

 

 

A guy is walking home with a case of beer under his arm...
 
He is almost home when a neighbor says to him.(knowing he did not drink much) "What are you going to with that?" (pointing at beer)
 
Oh the man says, I got this for my wife....
Good trade the neighbor replied, good trade!

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.     "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.   Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.   So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.   "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"   "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.   He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"   "But the guy was drunk." says the husband.   "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."   So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:     "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."   So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"   And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

 

Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?", the first one asks."Oh! I died in a freezer," the second blonde replied." So how did you die?" The second blonde asks, "Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair, so one day when I came home early from work, I looked all over the house, trying to look for the other woman because I saw that my husband was naked. When I was going  upstairs from searching the basement, I slipped and broke my neck. I never got to find that woman," replied the first blonde. The second blonde then says, "If only you looked in the freezer, maybe we both might still have been alive!"

 

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.  
 
 
 
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.  
 
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !
 
 
 
 There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.  
 
There is, however, a catch . . ..you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
 
 
 
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .
 
 
 
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
 
  Floor 1 -  
 
   These men have jobs and love the Lord.
 
 
 
The second floor sign reads:
 
  Floor 2 -
 
   These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
 
 
 
The third floor sign reads:
 
 Floor 3 -
 
   These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
 
 
 
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
 
 
 
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
 
 Floor 4 -
 
   These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
 
 
 
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
 
 
 
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
 
 Floor 5 -
 
 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework,  
 
and have a strong romantic streak.
 
 
 
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
 
 Floor 6 -
 
   You are visitor 4,363,012th to this floor. There are no men on this floor.  
 
   This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
 
 
 
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.  
 
Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day